HOLIDAZE.

The capitalization of the title of this entry shows my enthusiasm to be off for the holidays. This was a hella semester. Towards the end, I had quite a few mental breakdowns. I may not have done as best as could be done on some of my assignments, but I FINALLY got everything done!

Now, I am home to enjoy time with my mom, family, and friends before heading off to San Francisco on the 23rd! No one realizes how important this break is to me.

I love not having homework, sleeping until 11 (or later...), never having to get out of my PJs unless I really want to, watching excessive amounts of CSI, and aggravating my cat.

LIFE IS SWELL. I hope everyone enjoys the holidays! Oh, and I am finally starting to get into the spirit of holidays, even if they will be very different. It was the snow. :)

Rawr

I believe I may have finally isolated my feelings of hopelessness and being lost. It's the holidays. Forgive me for not being in the holiday spirit, but I'm just not. I knew this would hit me at some point, and well, it has happened. I don't want to sit in class and talk about my favorite part of Thanksgiving and what I look forward to most. When I get asked that question all I want to say is "I want the holidays to be normal." But fat chance of that happening. They will never officially be normal again. Yes, at some point in time, a sense of normalcy will form. But it will never be the same.

So that's where I'm at. Along with a billion other things that I can't describe and can't explain that are making me want to lie in bed for hours and just sleep. And that's what I did today after class. I slept. For three hours.

I've also begun to shut down from people that I care about and who care about me. Why? Because it is what I do. I get close to someone and then after a few months, I shut down. I stop letting them in. I guess you could say I am always afraid of the past repeating itself. And I just can't get over it. *sigh*

(I started this entry last night and never finished it.)

Who Turned Off My Happy Switch?

Today I found myself asking someone, "Where does one buy sanity? A coffeeshop? The drugstore? At the bottom of a candy bag?" But seriously, I need to get me some sanity. And STAT.

Yes, the semester is ending. Yes, I am stressed with papers and assignments galore. But gosh, something else must be going on. And I just can't pinpoint it.

Don't you hate days/weeks/months/years like that? Well, I do. And it needs to change.

PLEASE let it change.

Inspiration

In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar.

It's All About The Little Things

The semester is winding down. 4 weeks to be exact. Tonight, I made my calendar. It is quite colorful.

Last weekend, I took a surprise visit back to Belleville. Having nothing to do combined with feeling a bit lost, I just packed up and went home. I surprised my Mum and spent the whole weekend with her. I treated her to her first ever manicure and pedicure (my first too). We did some shopping, went to the "show" to see Life As We Know It, and had some good meals. It was just what I needed.

Which brings me to this entry. Lately, I've been forgetting the little things that I enjoy in life. Reading a book. Taking a bubble bath. Studying at Starbucks. Spending time with friends. Just being home with my Mum. All because I am stressed about school and life. Now that the holidays are coming, I am trying to remember those little things that bring me sanity. I'm trying to get out of my bubble of my room and enjoy my senior year. I've been failing at that a bit.

Just one more semester.
Must. Keep. Sane.

Living in the Past

When do we stop being defined by our past? By what we have done that we regret? By the memories that are always in our minds? After how many months, do we forget? At some point the things from the past start to fade and we forget. Yes, we can document memories with pictures, blog entries, or journaling. But those details will never live up to the actual moment.

Lately, I find myself forgetting significant details of my four months spent in Australia. I find myself forgetting the last day that I hugged my dad. I find myself forgetting how much I loved driving home to Belleville and spending time with my friends.

I find myself forgetting the good things, but I find myself still remembering the bad. How do I stop this from happening?

This reminds me of the summer after freshman year of college. I was hurt, heart broken and torn apart. When did those feelings stop? When did those feelings become a thing of the past? When did I move on? And why can't I do that now?

All I want right now at this time in my life is to move on from the past. I'm tried of living in the past. I want to live in the now, but I just don't seem to know how.

The Clock is Ticking...

"If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?"

This is the tag line that IMDb uses to describe "TiMER", a brilliantly written romantic comedy. I went into watching this movie not knowing what to expect because Amanda Kowalcze had recommended it to me. (And we all know she's a little cooky..) But I LOVED it!

It's hard to describe all the logistics of the movie to someone who hasn't even heard about it. Basically, there is this device called a TiMER that was invented to help you find the love of your life. When one gets implanted to you, it sort of "turns on". If it doesn't turn on, don't fret; that just means the love of your life hasn't gotten one implanted yet. Once both of you have your TiMERs, it will start counting down how many days until you are destined to meet. Anyone reading this probably has a lot of questions, so all I can say is go watch the movie!

But seriously, what if this existed? Would you get one implanted? Is love really something that is destined to happen to everyone, just at different times of your life? This movie has sent my head reeling about different ideas of love.

Like the tag line says, would you even want to know the exact day that you are going to meet the love of your life? Let me just say, love scares the shit out of me. Yes, I believe I have been in love, twice actually. Each of those times was incredibly different and has left me wondering what the next time will hold. Sometimes I wonder if that next time is already upon me... HOW do we know for sure?

Love, I just don't understand you. And people tell me I never will.

My Newest Journey

I have decided to embark on a fascinating journey. This past Wednesday my Healing, Birthing, and Dying class took a little field trip to Main Street Yoga Studio in downtown Bloomington. I have been looking forward to this trip since syllabus day! This trip was also of great importance to me because I am actually working with the founder of the studio for my ethnographic research paper on Ayurveda and yoga.

As we were sitting in this calm room listening to the two ladies speak to us about doshas, chakras, Ayurveda, and yoga, I found myself entranced. Never before have I been this completely absorbed in something. Now this is a big thing for me because yoga just isn't an exercise, like everyone believes. It is a spiritual way of life. Me, spiritual? Say what?!

My point, EXACTLY! For the first time, I feel drawn to something spiritual. Everything that I have learned thus far about yoga and the Ayurvedic way of life has inspired me. So this is my new journey. I'll let you know how it goes.

Rush of Emotions

This entry might not be coherent and may contain a lot of random information and emotions. But that's how I feel about life right now.

1. A couple days ago, I received word that my grade school bus driver, George, had died. Even though I hadn't seen this man in many, many years, the words hit me like a falling anvil. This was the jolly old man that forgot me on my first day of Kindergarten because I was standing on my porch, rather than the side of the street. This is the man who used to buy me Christmas ornaments because I was undoubtedly his favorite! He got me to and from school safely, every day for almost 9 years of my childhood. For months, Facebook messages had been circling around my grade school friends about George's ill health. It was asked of us to send cards, letters, and pictures because he was home-bound with nothing to do. Did I ever do this? Regretfully, no. I just never found the time to sit down and write them. I thought of many things I would tell him: where I went to college, my time in Australia, send a few pictures, etc. Like I said, I hadn't seen him in years and I'm pretty certain the last time I did I was still in high school. But now, I will never get the chance. Don't be like me and regret not saying things to people. Take each day like the last and say what you need to say.

2. WHEN THE HECK DID IT BECOME THE END OF OCTOBER?! Since this is I-Week for all the new Kappa Deltas, I have been having many "OMG! I'M A SENIOR!" days. Honestly, I am ECSTATIC to be a senior and to almost be done with college. (If you don't know this about me, you don't know me very well.) I can't wait to start a job, live by myself with Marco, not have "homework", etc. But seriously, why is it all ending so quickly? Before I know it, us seniors will be celebrating KD Christmas with a trip to the 21 and older establishments before finals week. It seems like only yesterday Amber and I were sitting at last year's commenting on how we would get to be the seniors next year! Time is flying...

3. Stresssssssss. Need I say more? Whoever told you senior year would be easy and fun, well they lied. It's one thing after another and I barely have time for myself anymore. Although, I did spend last Saturday night on the floor of my bedroom, with a bottle of wine, and four good movies. It was superb!

4. I miss my Australian family. I've only been able to see two people, Abbey and Al, since being back. Cait, Courtney, and I have talked about a reunion numerous times but I fear we are all too busy. I just miss those people so much. Oh, and maybe a few that I left in Australia too...

Isn't it Ironic?

I have been meaning to start a blog again ever since I got back from Sydney. Unfortunately, I don't feel like my life is that exciting back in the ole Midwest. We'll see what comes out of this. Credit to Amber for giving me the inspiration to get back out there in the world.

This entry was technically for October 20, but seeing as I haven't had any time until today to write it, I'm doing it now.

For those who do not know, October 20 was the four month anniversary of my daddy's death. Here are some coincidences from that day that made me want to write about it:

1. I realized that morning that I had not been to Sissy's site in awhile. I decided to check up on it and read the entries that I hadn't seen. The entry that I read was a month old, but at the end, it referenced that September 20 had been the three month anniversary. I stopped to think, realized that it was exactly a month later, and got a little freaked out. Honestly, if it wasn't for reading that blog entry, I would not have realized that it was the anniversary. In September, I realized the day after. I hope this doesn't make me a bad daughter, but I just tend to block out the 20th of every month now.

2. In my Healing, Birthing and Dying class, my professor chose this day to talk about how animals can sense death and freak out. Um, Marco anyone?! Once again, I was brought back to that memory of Father's Day, which I have also tried to block out from my memory. Watching someone die isn't really something you want to remember, even if it was your own father.

3. Last but not least, I was at work minding my own business. One of the little three/four year olds came up to me and for no reason at all asked, "Where's your daddy?" I was shocked that I just stared at her until she repeated the question. My answer, "He's not here?" That got me thinking about death and how you explain that to young children. She had no idea what I meant by it, and why would she. Was that really an appropriate response though? Sometimes I think yes because well, he's really not here. But other times I think no because I know he's around me and watching at all times. Such a fine line to walk, especially with little children.

To some, the 20th of every month is just another day. Not for me. Not anymore.