I believe I may have finally isolated my feelings of hopelessness and being lost. It's the holidays. Forgive me for not being in the holiday spirit, but I'm just not. I knew this would hit me at some point, and well, it has happened. I don't want to sit in class and talk about my favorite part of Thanksgiving and what I look forward to most. When I get asked that question all I want to say is "I want the holidays to be normal." But fat chance of that happening. They will never officially be normal again. Yes, at some point in time, a sense of normalcy will form. But it will never be the same.
So that's where I'm at. Along with a billion other things that I can't describe and can't explain that are making me want to lie in bed for hours and just sleep. And that's what I did today after class. I slept. For three hours.
I've also begun to shut down from people that I care about and who care about me. Why? Because it is what I do. I get close to someone and then after a few months, I shut down. I stop letting them in. I guess you could say I am always afraid of the past repeating itself. And I just can't get over it. *sigh*
(I started this entry last night and never finished it.)
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