Rawr

I believe I may have finally isolated my feelings of hopelessness and being lost. It's the holidays. Forgive me for not being in the holiday spirit, but I'm just not. I knew this would hit me at some point, and well, it has happened. I don't want to sit in class and talk about my favorite part of Thanksgiving and what I look forward to most. When I get asked that question all I want to say is "I want the holidays to be normal." But fat chance of that happening. They will never officially be normal again. Yes, at some point in time, a sense of normalcy will form. But it will never be the same.

So that's where I'm at. Along with a billion other things that I can't describe and can't explain that are making me want to lie in bed for hours and just sleep. And that's what I did today after class. I slept. For three hours.

I've also begun to shut down from people that I care about and who care about me. Why? Because it is what I do. I get close to someone and then after a few months, I shut down. I stop letting them in. I guess you could say I am always afraid of the past repeating itself. And I just can't get over it. *sigh*

(I started this entry last night and never finished it.)

Who Turned Off My Happy Switch?

Today I found myself asking someone, "Where does one buy sanity? A coffeeshop? The drugstore? At the bottom of a candy bag?" But seriously, I need to get me some sanity. And STAT.

Yes, the semester is ending. Yes, I am stressed with papers and assignments galore. But gosh, something else must be going on. And I just can't pinpoint it.

Don't you hate days/weeks/months/years like that? Well, I do. And it needs to change.

PLEASE let it change.

Inspiration

In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar.

It's All About The Little Things

The semester is winding down. 4 weeks to be exact. Tonight, I made my calendar. It is quite colorful.

Last weekend, I took a surprise visit back to Belleville. Having nothing to do combined with feeling a bit lost, I just packed up and went home. I surprised my Mum and spent the whole weekend with her. I treated her to her first ever manicure and pedicure (my first too). We did some shopping, went to the "show" to see Life As We Know It, and had some good meals. It was just what I needed.

Which brings me to this entry. Lately, I've been forgetting the little things that I enjoy in life. Reading a book. Taking a bubble bath. Studying at Starbucks. Spending time with friends. Just being home with my Mum. All because I am stressed about school and life. Now that the holidays are coming, I am trying to remember those little things that bring me sanity. I'm trying to get out of my bubble of my room and enjoy my senior year. I've been failing at that a bit.

Just one more semester.
Must. Keep. Sane.

Living in the Past

When do we stop being defined by our past? By what we have done that we regret? By the memories that are always in our minds? After how many months, do we forget? At some point the things from the past start to fade and we forget. Yes, we can document memories with pictures, blog entries, or journaling. But those details will never live up to the actual moment.

Lately, I find myself forgetting significant details of my four months spent in Australia. I find myself forgetting the last day that I hugged my dad. I find myself forgetting how much I loved driving home to Belleville and spending time with my friends.

I find myself forgetting the good things, but I find myself still remembering the bad. How do I stop this from happening?

This reminds me of the summer after freshman year of college. I was hurt, heart broken and torn apart. When did those feelings stop? When did those feelings become a thing of the past? When did I move on? And why can't I do that now?

All I want right now at this time in my life is to move on from the past. I'm tried of living in the past. I want to live in the now, but I just don't seem to know how.

The Clock is Ticking...

"If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?"

This is the tag line that IMDb uses to describe "TiMER", a brilliantly written romantic comedy. I went into watching this movie not knowing what to expect because Amanda Kowalcze had recommended it to me. (And we all know she's a little cooky..) But I LOVED it!

It's hard to describe all the logistics of the movie to someone who hasn't even heard about it. Basically, there is this device called a TiMER that was invented to help you find the love of your life. When one gets implanted to you, it sort of "turns on". If it doesn't turn on, don't fret; that just means the love of your life hasn't gotten one implanted yet. Once both of you have your TiMERs, it will start counting down how many days until you are destined to meet. Anyone reading this probably has a lot of questions, so all I can say is go watch the movie!

But seriously, what if this existed? Would you get one implanted? Is love really something that is destined to happen to everyone, just at different times of your life? This movie has sent my head reeling about different ideas of love.

Like the tag line says, would you even want to know the exact day that you are going to meet the love of your life? Let me just say, love scares the shit out of me. Yes, I believe I have been in love, twice actually. Each of those times was incredibly different and has left me wondering what the next time will hold. Sometimes I wonder if that next time is already upon me... HOW do we know for sure?

Love, I just don't understand you. And people tell me I never will.