marco, the cat.

i have successfully transferred marco, the cat to bloomington. getting him here wasn't as scary as i thought. of course, he cried his god awful screeching noise for awhile, but it didn't last too long. although any time i would turn up the music, he would cry louder. he was trying to aggravate me.

about 50 miles into the drive, i stopped because a bird hit my car. yes, i am quite serious. i wanted to to check to make sure there wasn't a dead bird on the top of my car. when i stopped, i decided to let marco out of his carrier. i am a softy, i guess. since he was being so good, i let him stay out. he just crawled up on the passenger seat next to me and fell asleep. when i got to bloomington and opened the carrier again, he got right in too. crazy, kitty!

being in the apartment has been an interesting journey for him. he stayed under the couch all day when we got back, 2PM and onwards. he wouldn't eat. for awhile, he was even growling and hissing like he does to sissy or shaun. i left him alone. then this morning, i went to pet him and he actually let me touch him! success!! he has since started to eat, and he will come out from the couch ever once in awhile. he was in the bathtub rolling around like a maniac at one point.

he's getting there. i actually feel like we get along better right now than ever before. crazy, i know!

life after graduation...

well here's what i have learned in my few weeks of being a "college graduate". are you ready? what i am about to say is awe-inspiring.

1. life goes on.
2. moving into your first big girl apartment all by yourself is more difficult than you would think. ask for help.
3. do not ask for help building furniture, however. women can do ANYTHING that men can do. i pride myself in the fact that i built all of my own furniture.
4. you never realize how many little things you take for granted when you are living with your parents. some examples include ice cube trays, a can opener, trash bags, etc.
5. even though you don't see your best friends every day, if you put a little effort into the friendship, you will succeed.

i think i had more awe-inspiring things to say, but words are failing me now. maybe next time.

SMILE, WORLD. :)
(i'm trying to rub my ridiculously fabulous mood off on other people today. let me know if it worked!)

I Graduated... Now What?

On Sunday, May 1, 2011, I graduated. Or should I say "graduated"? Although I told someone last week that I won't be in college next semester, I will be in Kindergarten and it is totally different.

I cannot believe graduation is such an anti-climatic day. I was sitting through the ceremony wondering if it was all a dream and before I knew it I was walking across the stage and getting my "diploma". All I can think is... where did these four years go?

I cannot pinpoint my feelings on graduation. On one hand, I am so happy to be done. Even if I'm not completely done. On the other, I am going to miss so many wonderful people in my life. But strangely, I am not as sad as I thought I would be. Maybe it is because I have gotten so used to people coming and going in life that it is just second nature these days.

But now that the day has come and gone, I keep saying asking myself: Now what? Well, here is my agenda: Get my keys to my apartment and move in! Work the summer away while spending time with as many people as possible. Then, spending my whole fall semester in Kindergarten.

What comes after that, time will only tell.

Last Week of College

Today marked the beginning of our last full week of classes.
Next Tuesday, classes end.
EPIC.
Graduation is so close!
Excited or scared to death?
You choose.

That is all.

Not Witty Enough for a Title

It has been awhile since I have updated the Internets about my life. What can I say?

Our trip to Seattle came and went, quite quickly I might add. I loved every minute of that trip. Seattle is definitely a city that I see myself living in. I could handle the rain because I love the size of the city, the atmosphere, the people, EVERYTHING. The minute I stepped outside, I felt at home. That means something. It means I must (and WILL) move there. My latest life plan: Move to Seattle after December, work at City Hostel while attempting to find another job. Oh, and maybe go to culinary school? You may think I'm nuts, but I like options.

Ever since I have been back to school, I have been struggling though. Vacations do that to me. It takes me an extremely long time to get back into the mindset that this is my life right now. I wish I was better at just accepting what is happening at the moment instead of longing for the future. But I'm not. I long for the future. Things are changing around here very rapidly. Every day someone close to me gets a job, job interview, or accepted into grad school. And meanwhile, I am stuck in place. I think that's what is difficult for me. I "graduate" but not really. I will still be here in crappy Bloomington-Normal. I don't know where I am living yet. I don't know if I have a summer job at the moment. And I hate that. I want to tell people exciting news. I want to say I have a job interview or I got accepted to graduate school or I am engaged. (Okay, not really the last one.) But instead all I can say is... Well, that's it. I haven't figured out what to say yet.

And one more thing, I miss my Dad. Boy, do I miss him. The closer and closer it gets to Graduation Day, the harder it is for me to accept the fact that he will not be there. It will be just be Mom, Sissy, and Naz. There will forever be a hole in my graduation pictures. It's just not fair. I want him there. And yes, you can give me the bull crap about how he will be watching over me, but truth is I don't know if I believe in all of that. I don't know what I believe in when it comes to heaven, religion, God, etc. And it doesn't change the fact that I still want him there.

Life, As Of Now

Life is a series of moments with the people we love. Happy moments. Sad moments. Life-changing moments. But we ultimately have the power to choose our own moments.

Are you happy with the moments that you are choosing?

I am.

If you aren't, maybe you should do something to change your moments. A moment lasts for a second, and then it is time to make a new one. Next time, do something that will make you happy.

Just a Year Ago..

Just a year ago, I was landing in Australia for the adventure of a lifetime. Where did the time go?

This week has been difficult. One, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off the whole week. Too busy! Two, Friday marked my anniversary of leaving. Majorly depressing.

Life was completely different a year ago. I'm not saying I want to go back to the way things were, but I miss it. I miss Sydney. I miss adventures. I miss independence. I miss my friends that I met there- Australian, international, and American.

I definitely feel that I have grown up in the last year. In some ways, I was forced to. While abroad, I started to learn more about myself and started to see what I wanted out of life.

I want to travel. I want to experience new things. More and more, I am wanting to just be free and roam around the states doing useless jobs to earn money. (I know, it is not completely realistic.) But I don't want to settle down. I used to want to get married young and have kids. I am even doubting if I want to get married right now. (Ha- that is one thing that hasn't changed... the complexities of my love life!) There is just so much to life and the world. I hate sitting idly.

If I want something to happen, I have to MAKE it happen. And this is my philosophy for the next few years. At this point, I don't know what is to come after student teaching in December, but I have lots of goals and options.

I like options.

--------

Now, why can't I find decent options in regards to MEN? Different post entirely...

Blo-No Bored Blues

I came up with this awesome description today. Feel free to steal it, but I am copy-writing it.

So what does Blo-No Bored Blues mean?

It means that I am hitting that part of the semester where nothing makes me happy. This semester has been full of fun, bars, my sisters, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of this month of school. But now, I am bored. This happens a lot. And by a lot I mean every two months. Yeah, we're going to go with that.

It does not help that my one year anniversary of leaving for Sydney is coming up in 6 days. Yes, it is an unhealthy obsession. But seriously, ONE YEAR AGO? How is that even possible? So add that to the massive amounts of snow that make me unhappy, and we've got Blo-No Bored Blues.

I need ADVENTURE. Bloomington does not offer me with a lot of adventures. I also work in strange ways. Instead of going out and finding adventure, I become a hermit. I stay in my room and watch unhealthy amounts of TV shows. (Okay, three seasons of Veronica Mars was because I was sick!)

I am counting down to the days that I can get out of this state (or at least city). Only one problem: I have no idea when that will be! It's a little difficult to have a countdown to something that does not exist yet. Shucks.

For now, I will have to be happy and look forward to March 12, SEATTLE! At least that is one adventure in my upcoming future. I better start planning the next one for after that... maybe someplace to visit one of my study abroad friends?

Off to look at more Australia pictures and reread old blogs. Not really. (Maybe.)

Remembrance By Celebration

Today could have been a very terrible day. January 23. My dad's birthday. I realized about three days ago that his birthday was approaching. It is difficult to think about someone's birthday. My dad died at 55. He never reached 56. He never will. Am I the only one that thinks this is a crazy concept?

I don't get it. Not sure if I ever will.

But anyways, I woke up this morning with a feeling in my gut. Thanks to my lovely sisters, though, the day was not lost. I could have spent all day being a hermit in my bedroom, but instead I enjoyed watching the Blackhawks' and Bears' games on TV.

We yelled. We ranted. We shouted OBSCENITIES. We made fun of each other. We had a blast.

I just want to say thank you to those who made me forget what today really was. I'm not saying I forgot about my dad, but I celebrated instead. He would have wanted it that way.

So Happy Birthday, Daddy!

Traditional New Year Post

I found this image on Flickr at the start of the new year. It has been my little motto for 2011. This is definitely a long overdo new year post. Honestly, I don't even know what I wanted to say in this anymore.

2010 was a roller coaster of a ride. I started the year head over heels for a boy, waiting to leave for Australia, being away from my school friends, and dying from boredom at home. Then in February, I left for Sydney and spent some of the best moments of my life down under. In June (and July), tragedy hit the family. Anyone who knew me last semester knows that I had a really hard time coming to grips with the new reality that was my life. Being back at IWU was challenging. Dealing with a long distance friendship/relationship with someone that I care deeply about was breaking me down. Trying to adjust to a life without my dad and not always getting to spend the time I wanted with some of my best friends made things increasingly more difficult. Oh, let's not mention the extreme stress of school and my education classes and struggling with the idea that maybe I didn't want to be a teacher.

And then, winter break hit. I spent only a few days at home, but loved them all. Then my mom and I made our way to SF for the holidays. I had an absolute joyous time, and those 10 days in SF were just what I needed. I was ready to head back to IWU for my last semester.

This semester hasn't been nearly as challenging yet, but give it a few weeks. I have been trying to enjoy my free time as much as possible. And boy, have I had some great stories! I made some traditional resolutions that I have been doing a decent job at keeping. Let's see how long that lasts!

All in all, 2011 is looking up. 2011 is MY YEAR. That's what I keep telling myself. I am optimistic about the future. (Are you freaking out about graduation? Then, come talk to me! I can help calm you down.) I finally feel like I am growing into the person that I want to be in the future.

As I said in SF, "the world is about to get real." And I am okay with that. Now, if I could just find a darn apartment for next year!

HOLIDAZE.

The capitalization of the title of this entry shows my enthusiasm to be off for the holidays. This was a hella semester. Towards the end, I had quite a few mental breakdowns. I may not have done as best as could be done on some of my assignments, but I FINALLY got everything done!

Now, I am home to enjoy time with my mom, family, and friends before heading off to San Francisco on the 23rd! No one realizes how important this break is to me.

I love not having homework, sleeping until 11 (or later...), never having to get out of my PJs unless I really want to, watching excessive amounts of CSI, and aggravating my cat.

LIFE IS SWELL. I hope everyone enjoys the holidays! Oh, and I am finally starting to get into the spirit of holidays, even if they will be very different. It was the snow. :)

Rawr

I believe I may have finally isolated my feelings of hopelessness and being lost. It's the holidays. Forgive me for not being in the holiday spirit, but I'm just not. I knew this would hit me at some point, and well, it has happened. I don't want to sit in class and talk about my favorite part of Thanksgiving and what I look forward to most. When I get asked that question all I want to say is "I want the holidays to be normal." But fat chance of that happening. They will never officially be normal again. Yes, at some point in time, a sense of normalcy will form. But it will never be the same.

So that's where I'm at. Along with a billion other things that I can't describe and can't explain that are making me want to lie in bed for hours and just sleep. And that's what I did today after class. I slept. For three hours.

I've also begun to shut down from people that I care about and who care about me. Why? Because it is what I do. I get close to someone and then after a few months, I shut down. I stop letting them in. I guess you could say I am always afraid of the past repeating itself. And I just can't get over it. *sigh*

(I started this entry last night and never finished it.)

Who Turned Off My Happy Switch?

Today I found myself asking someone, "Where does one buy sanity? A coffeeshop? The drugstore? At the bottom of a candy bag?" But seriously, I need to get me some sanity. And STAT.

Yes, the semester is ending. Yes, I am stressed with papers and assignments galore. But gosh, something else must be going on. And I just can't pinpoint it.

Don't you hate days/weeks/months/years like that? Well, I do. And it needs to change.

PLEASE let it change.

Inspiration

In the midst of our lives, we must find the magic that makes our souls soar.

It's All About The Little Things

The semester is winding down. 4 weeks to be exact. Tonight, I made my calendar. It is quite colorful.

Last weekend, I took a surprise visit back to Belleville. Having nothing to do combined with feeling a bit lost, I just packed up and went home. I surprised my Mum and spent the whole weekend with her. I treated her to her first ever manicure and pedicure (my first too). We did some shopping, went to the "show" to see Life As We Know It, and had some good meals. It was just what I needed.

Which brings me to this entry. Lately, I've been forgetting the little things that I enjoy in life. Reading a book. Taking a bubble bath. Studying at Starbucks. Spending time with friends. Just being home with my Mum. All because I am stressed about school and life. Now that the holidays are coming, I am trying to remember those little things that bring me sanity. I'm trying to get out of my bubble of my room and enjoy my senior year. I've been failing at that a bit.

Just one more semester.
Must. Keep. Sane.

Living in the Past

When do we stop being defined by our past? By what we have done that we regret? By the memories that are always in our minds? After how many months, do we forget? At some point the things from the past start to fade and we forget. Yes, we can document memories with pictures, blog entries, or journaling. But those details will never live up to the actual moment.

Lately, I find myself forgetting significant details of my four months spent in Australia. I find myself forgetting the last day that I hugged my dad. I find myself forgetting how much I loved driving home to Belleville and spending time with my friends.

I find myself forgetting the good things, but I find myself still remembering the bad. How do I stop this from happening?

This reminds me of the summer after freshman year of college. I was hurt, heart broken and torn apart. When did those feelings stop? When did those feelings become a thing of the past? When did I move on? And why can't I do that now?

All I want right now at this time in my life is to move on from the past. I'm tried of living in the past. I want to live in the now, but I just don't seem to know how.

The Clock is Ticking...

"If a clock could count down to the moment you meet your soul mate, would you want to know?"

This is the tag line that IMDb uses to describe "TiMER", a brilliantly written romantic comedy. I went into watching this movie not knowing what to expect because Amanda Kowalcze had recommended it to me. (And we all know she's a little cooky..) But I LOVED it!

It's hard to describe all the logistics of the movie to someone who hasn't even heard about it. Basically, there is this device called a TiMER that was invented to help you find the love of your life. When one gets implanted to you, it sort of "turns on". If it doesn't turn on, don't fret; that just means the love of your life hasn't gotten one implanted yet. Once both of you have your TiMERs, it will start counting down how many days until you are destined to meet. Anyone reading this probably has a lot of questions, so all I can say is go watch the movie!

But seriously, what if this existed? Would you get one implanted? Is love really something that is destined to happen to everyone, just at different times of your life? This movie has sent my head reeling about different ideas of love.

Like the tag line says, would you even want to know the exact day that you are going to meet the love of your life? Let me just say, love scares the shit out of me. Yes, I believe I have been in love, twice actually. Each of those times was incredibly different and has left me wondering what the next time will hold. Sometimes I wonder if that next time is already upon me... HOW do we know for sure?

Love, I just don't understand you. And people tell me I never will.

My Newest Journey

I have decided to embark on a fascinating journey. This past Wednesday my Healing, Birthing, and Dying class took a little field trip to Main Street Yoga Studio in downtown Bloomington. I have been looking forward to this trip since syllabus day! This trip was also of great importance to me because I am actually working with the founder of the studio for my ethnographic research paper on Ayurveda and yoga.

As we were sitting in this calm room listening to the two ladies speak to us about doshas, chakras, Ayurveda, and yoga, I found myself entranced. Never before have I been this completely absorbed in something. Now this is a big thing for me because yoga just isn't an exercise, like everyone believes. It is a spiritual way of life. Me, spiritual? Say what?!

My point, EXACTLY! For the first time, I feel drawn to something spiritual. Everything that I have learned thus far about yoga and the Ayurvedic way of life has inspired me. So this is my new journey. I'll let you know how it goes.

Rush of Emotions

This entry might not be coherent and may contain a lot of random information and emotions. But that's how I feel about life right now.

1. A couple days ago, I received word that my grade school bus driver, George, had died. Even though I hadn't seen this man in many, many years, the words hit me like a falling anvil. This was the jolly old man that forgot me on my first day of Kindergarten because I was standing on my porch, rather than the side of the street. This is the man who used to buy me Christmas ornaments because I was undoubtedly his favorite! He got me to and from school safely, every day for almost 9 years of my childhood. For months, Facebook messages had been circling around my grade school friends about George's ill health. It was asked of us to send cards, letters, and pictures because he was home-bound with nothing to do. Did I ever do this? Regretfully, no. I just never found the time to sit down and write them. I thought of many things I would tell him: where I went to college, my time in Australia, send a few pictures, etc. Like I said, I hadn't seen him in years and I'm pretty certain the last time I did I was still in high school. But now, I will never get the chance. Don't be like me and regret not saying things to people. Take each day like the last and say what you need to say.

2. WHEN THE HECK DID IT BECOME THE END OF OCTOBER?! Since this is I-Week for all the new Kappa Deltas, I have been having many "OMG! I'M A SENIOR!" days. Honestly, I am ECSTATIC to be a senior and to almost be done with college. (If you don't know this about me, you don't know me very well.) I can't wait to start a job, live by myself with Marco, not have "homework", etc. But seriously, why is it all ending so quickly? Before I know it, us seniors will be celebrating KD Christmas with a trip to the 21 and older establishments before finals week. It seems like only yesterday Amber and I were sitting at last year's commenting on how we would get to be the seniors next year! Time is flying...

3. Stresssssssss. Need I say more? Whoever told you senior year would be easy and fun, well they lied. It's one thing after another and I barely have time for myself anymore. Although, I did spend last Saturday night on the floor of my bedroom, with a bottle of wine, and four good movies. It was superb!

4. I miss my Australian family. I've only been able to see two people, Abbey and Al, since being back. Cait, Courtney, and I have talked about a reunion numerous times but I fear we are all too busy. I just miss those people so much. Oh, and maybe a few that I left in Australia too...

Isn't it Ironic?

I have been meaning to start a blog again ever since I got back from Sydney. Unfortunately, I don't feel like my life is that exciting back in the ole Midwest. We'll see what comes out of this. Credit to Amber for giving me the inspiration to get back out there in the world.

This entry was technically for October 20, but seeing as I haven't had any time until today to write it, I'm doing it now.

For those who do not know, October 20 was the four month anniversary of my daddy's death. Here are some coincidences from that day that made me want to write about it:

1. I realized that morning that I had not been to Sissy's site in awhile. I decided to check up on it and read the entries that I hadn't seen. The entry that I read was a month old, but at the end, it referenced that September 20 had been the three month anniversary. I stopped to think, realized that it was exactly a month later, and got a little freaked out. Honestly, if it wasn't for reading that blog entry, I would not have realized that it was the anniversary. In September, I realized the day after. I hope this doesn't make me a bad daughter, but I just tend to block out the 20th of every month now.

2. In my Healing, Birthing and Dying class, my professor chose this day to talk about how animals can sense death and freak out. Um, Marco anyone?! Once again, I was brought back to that memory of Father's Day, which I have also tried to block out from my memory. Watching someone die isn't really something you want to remember, even if it was your own father.

3. Last but not least, I was at work minding my own business. One of the little three/four year olds came up to me and for no reason at all asked, "Where's your daddy?" I was shocked that I just stared at her until she repeated the question. My answer, "He's not here?" That got me thinking about death and how you explain that to young children. She had no idea what I meant by it, and why would she. Was that really an appropriate response though? Sometimes I think yes because well, he's really not here. But other times I think no because I know he's around me and watching at all times. Such a fine line to walk, especially with little children.

To some, the 20th of every month is just another day. Not for me. Not anymore.